{me and my “er hu”. the chinese two-string violin.
one of my favorite spiritual whitespaces – redwood trees
where i recorded today’s soul-to-soul video for you}

It’s funny what can happen when you realize something difficult you’re going through isn’t going away.

And you don’t know how long it’s going to last.

There is a moment in your faith journey, when you find yourself in the middle of something long and hard — and you’ve tried to make it go away.

Maybe at first, you ignore it.

Then, maybe later, you get very, very positive about changing the course — so you don’t have to face the thing you’ve been running from all your life.

Hardship.

Pain.

Maybe like me, you haven’t had to face the one thing you’ve wanted to avoid.

The tired you.

The worried you.

The not-enough you.

The driven you.

The nothing-can-break-me-down you.

The I-don’t-need-to-need you.

But, somehow, suddenly, you find that you can’t turn away.

The water is wide.

And to cross it, you must step into the stream of life — you must carry that cross, face that conversation, you must cry that memory.

You must not swallow that grief.

That Bitter Moment

You must face your desires, your dreams, and the brokenness that you thought you had to bury.

You must remember that you want to feel alive, awake again.

This moment came for me — just last year.

Right as I completing the manuscript for my memoir-driven book – Finding Spiritual Whitespace - I was still in the middle of processing my childhood memories — still healing.

I didn’t know how long God wanted me to experience panic attacks — allowing anxiety to be my heart’s last defense — to uncover areas of my heart He wanted to remake with me.

To make them mine and His — even if would be painfully inconvenient, messy and complicate the life I had sincerely thought would most please Him.

And there was no more turning back.

I still remember that bitter moment — as I cried grasping the blankets on the bed, curled up, feeling lost, like a speck of dust — I remembered I surrendered — to however long the journey would take.

As anyone who has gone through healing knows – there is no timeline for reconstruction of the heart.

I Need Something Sweet

There is no plan to following Jesus, other than trusting Him enough to leave no door unopened — to do whatever it takes — to let go of whatever needs to be let go — and to take down whatever needs to be dismantled.

And in that moment of tearful clarity, I told God this:

What you’re calling me to do is too hard.

I don’t know how long this is going to take.

It is too painful, too bitter.

This life you’re asking me to live is too quiet. To small.

But, I am willing.

I followed you — when life was good and I was strong.

I will follow you now — that life is hard and I am weak.

I will do whatever you ask me to do.

But, I need something beautiful.

I need something sweet.

What I’m enduring is bitter, but I do not want to turn bitter.

Give me beauty.  Keep my heart alive.

So when you’ve led me through every drop of hardness, I want my heart to be soft, kind and gentle — like yours.

I want to be like you, Jesus.  

And for some reason, one of the first things God put on my heart after this prayer was Chinese music - played on the Er Hu.

The Music of My Childhood

The Er Hu is a Chinese violin – and the sound is sweet, sorrowful and it made me cry.

I was born in San Francisco, Chinatown. And this was the music of my childhood.

The Er Hu is a beautiful voice of an instrument.  It makes me feel peaceful, pained, comforted, and whole all at the same time. And it pours stories out of my soul.

I was already spending so much time alone, I thought, Why not fill my times of solitude with something beautiful?  Why not learn the Er Hu?

So, I found someone to teach me Er Hu lessons and it has become one of the sweetest things in my life that I can enjoy with God.

Playing For You

This morning, as the sun barely climb up into the sky, I went to play the Er Hu in one of my favorite places for spiritual whitespace – among the redwoods.

Spend sometime with me with the redwoods right now. I recorded a soul-to-soul short video – my first vlog — just for you. To share some words of encouragement with you. 

This morning, I hiked into my favorite spot where I like to journal, brought my music stand, put some music in my backpack and carried a fold-up stool with me.

(sorry today’s Thursday Link up is so late. I had a steep learning curve to upload this video!)

I wanted to to play some Er Hu for you.  And share a soul-to-soul conversation together.

Will you take a virtual coffee break with me?

Click the video clip below to watch me play.

~~~~~

Then, pull up a chair and share with me: 

What are some of the beautiful things God has brought into your life — that have come out of a difficult time?

Click to comment.

(After watching me play a beginner’s er hu,
click on the video below mine to hear how a Master Er Hu does it.
And when you watch the moon light the night when it’s cold outside,
we can think of each other.
Because this song called “Moonlit Night” will be the one playing in my heart.)

Below is “Moonlit Night”.  It’s one of my favorites.
Did you see that glorious full moon last night, glistening in the silence?
Listen and let it stir everything in your heart that is bitter and sweet.

Now It’s Your Turn

Whitespace Thursdays Link Up

Blog about your whitespace moments. 

Publish your post ANY DAY of the week.  

Link up on Thursday.
Visit & comment on the post before yours.

Use the Whitespace Thursday Linkup Badge.

Write what prompts your heart. Share your voice.

Today’s Writing Prompt:

{what’s something beautiful
that’s come out of a difficult season?}

0r
{share a whitespace moment} 

- share what God’s sharing with you
in your alone time with him

- share your moments of beauty and rest

- share what’s feeding your soul

* If you’re reading the book, share how the book is speaking to you.

* Choose your own open writing prompt.  Be you.

Thank you for using #spiritualwhitespace to share your pictures on Instagram & Twitter!
It’s fun to see the moments that feed your soul this week!

{email subscribers, click here to link up your post in the Whitespace Linkup.}

Take The Journey of Rest With Me

Take the Finding Spiritual Whitespace journey to make space to rest.

Take the journey of self-discovery with Jesus with journaling prompts for individual or intimate group exploration. 

Purchase a copy of my memoir-driven guidebook for yourself and your friends.  Because rest isn’t a journey we need to take alone.  We need each other.

Let’s be kindreds. Let’s meet between the pages of Finding Spiritual Whitespace.

“Whitespace is soul grace. Bonnie Gray ushers weary women into the real possibility.”–Ann Voskamp, New York Times bestselling author of One Thousand Gifts

“Women need this message. If you want to hear Jesus speak more tenderly to your soul than ever before, this is the book for you.”–Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times bestselling author of Unglued

“We live in a culture that brags and boasts about being busy. Into that reality steps Bonnie with a new idea.”–from the foreword by Jon Acuff, New York Times bestselling author of Start